My Dear Ones,

I didn’t think it was possible to love or miss anyone you had never met. I’m far too practical for that kind of thinking. But I love and miss you so much it physically hurts at times.

I’ve caught glimpses of my concept of you many times over the years, but there was one time I felt so certain it was you.

It was a warm and bright Saturday afternoon and on a whim we’d decided to have a wander around one of those large antiques warehouses, the ones that are great for finding good, cheap second-hand books and unique furniture items. We’d spent the morning exercising and running the usual Saturday morning errands and it was now time to slow down. Having wandered around for about an hour it was time to make our way back to the car. Treasures in hand, we were walking through the car park enjoying the warm sun.

Still wearing your sports uniforms from the morning’s games, you both strode slightly ahead at a casual pace looking content; the picture of health, potential and youthful fitness. Both tall and lean, we were so alike in physique. Sport and fitness was clearly a focus for all of us.

We all had dark brown hair, her’s was long and straight and pulled back in a single ponytail. I remember wearing mine the same way as a young netballer. Aged somewhere between 12 and 13, she seemed completely unaware of how beautiful she was. He was younger, not quite a teen, with a conservative, short boyish cut and an open friendly face similar to my husband’s.

I was so happy for you that you both inherited olive skin much like my handsome husband’s; so much less trouble than my pale, burn-easy skin. There could be no doubt in the minds of the people walking by that we were a family. I walked a little straighter, shoulders back, head up. I couldn’t help but smile as I met the gaze and knowing smiles of other parents enjoying the easy pace of a similar family outing. I wanted people to notice us, I felt proud. Anyone would be proud of you two. You were absolutely amazing!

A lady, shorter than myself with an olive complexion, caught my gaze. She walked proud and beamed at me with a wide smile. She had seen me admiring you. I smiled back at her as she ushered you back to her car to take you home.

For about 30 seconds that day I felt what it would be like to have everything I had ever dreamt of. Life felt like it was supposed to. It felt complete.

Tears welling, I averted my eyes to the ground, shoulders dropping just a little. That familiar empty feeling returned.

“Let’s go home” I whispered to my husband and we walked silently towards our car. Alone and united in each other’s company.

I will always want you and I will always miss you my loves xxx

Rachel