Linda Rooney aka Mali

“No Kids? Do You want mine?” Every childless person has probably heard these words at some stage in their lives. Depending on our stage of life, and whether we are newly grieving loss or fully accepting our childlessness and embracing the childfree benefits of that, it lands differently. It’s a silly remark, that is never fully thought through. I wonder why they say it? That got me thinking:

• They might think it is funny, and have given no further thought to the comment and its impact on us than that.

• Maybe they want to silence us; after all, what is there to say to such a comment? Unable to help us, they instead find our losses uncomfortable and easier not to talk about, so dismiss us with a jest instead

• They might think we are foolish, wanting the children who are exhausting them, looking at parenthood through rose-coloured glasses.

• Or is it annoyance that they need some acknowledgement and an ear for the realities of their life, just as we do?

• Perhaps they feel guilt that they got something so easily that we were not able to have, and so feel defensive

• Is it stress that prompts them to dream of a time without the constant worry and effort that comes with being a parent? The sense of relief they might feel at that possibility could prompt such a comment, but cased as a joke, so they don’t feel terrible and can brush it off.

• Or is it sheer frustration that having kids is not what they thought it might be, and they genuinely need a break?

• Or is there a moment of jealousy, when they envy our lives, and they want to lash out?

Most of the time, I think this comment is not meant to be is deliberately hurtful. Even if it is, maybe that says more about their happiness than ours. I think there is often misunderstanding about our lives – on both sides. Thinking this way helps me deal with insensitive comments like these. They always say so much more about the person who utters these thoughtless or unkind statements than they do about us.