Brandi Lytle

There are several not so helpful jokes tossed at we childless not by choice. One being, “You don’t have kids?! You’re so lucky!” Unfortunately, this quip is often followed by “Do you want my kids?!” Other versions being “Do you want to borrow mine?” and “Are you sure you want kids?!” And inevitably, the parent laughs at their clever little remark.

Is "Do you want my kids" really that funny?

These seemingly innocent words dismiss the struggle and pain that the childless not by choice have gone through. But I particularly dislike the “do you want my kids” comment because I find it so sad for the person’s littles.

Now, I’m certain the parent would tell me that their kids know he/she is joking.  “Lighten up!” “Don’t be so serious!” “Take a joke!”

To this, I ask…  Would it be so funny if your kids said, “Do you want my parents?!” If your husband said, “Do you want my wife?!” Or what if your mom said, “Do you want my daughter?!”

Maybe you think, “Yes.” Because, after all,you know it’s just a joke…

But, you know, sometimes we laugh because we don’t want the other person to know that they hurt us. We don’t want to seem too vulnerable, too serious, too whatever…

A Personal Experience…

Several years ago, I was at a gathering when a lady walked in and huffed, “I’m so sick of being a mother! I just want to sell my kids!” This was met with light-hearted laughter and “What did they do” questions. A couple of things… One, the lady knew that Dane and I couldn’t have kids. Two, so did the other people in the room.

My awesome Mom who knew I was going to visit this group that could be quite challenging had made me a to-go chocolate martini, equipped with a lid and straw. (Just another reason I tout my Mom as one of my strongest supporters. Perhaps you think this beverage inappropriate, but I’m being real here… Besides, I wasn’t driving.) So, when this not so funny little “joke” was made, I rolled my eyes and took a few sips of my drink while shaking my head…

As outspoken as I am about my infertility and childlessness, I didn’t say anything.  Because, after all, it was just a joke…

To those with littles…

That’s why I think the jokes may be the meanest. Because how do I explain that this isn’t funny because it is so completely rude to the infertile and childless not by choice without completely bringing down the mood and looking like a stick in the mud? It’s awkward.

So, I’m going to ask you to know your audience. If you realize that someone is childless not by choice, please don’t joke about giving your kids to them. And if you’re not sure whether they are childLESS not by choice or childFREE by choice, assume they are childLESS. That way, you don’t risk dismissing the struggle, the pain of the childless not by choice, with such an inconsiderate remark.