The List is Long
Talking about a difficult situation with someone can often result in the person you’re speaking to wanting to help to fix that difficult situation. It is easier to offer advice or a solution than it is to sit in the discomfort of the conversation with someone. By nature, humans are caring and helpful, and why wouldn’t we want to share our thoughts or advice that may be helpful to someone? It shows that we care.
For those who are Childless Not By Choice, being asked “Have you considered adoption?” is one of the most common questions we get. Talking about childlessness has long been taboo, and friends and family around us find it difficult to sit in the discomfort of that conversation. They, instead, offer a solution to fix our childlessness, rather than just listen.
When this topic was released for World Childless Week, it got me thinking about why this question is so hurtful. So, I posed the question to people within our online community to establish a list of why this can be a hurtful question. Here’s what I found:
When someone says “Have you considered adoption?”…
It assumes we haven't considered adoption. But, I guarantee that we have all considered it!
It ignores the grief we feel at being unable to have biological children. When someone asks this question, they are brushing aside our grief because it is too uncomfortable for them to listen to our grief.
It assumes that adoption is the automatic-next-step after an infertility journey. Adoption is not a consolation prize at the end of an infertility journey. Adoption is a calling, not a second choice.
It assumes that adoption is an easy path, when it’s not. It is quite easy to be rejected because adoption is not there to fulfill the overwhelming desire of a couple to become parents. It is about the child and their needs. Rejection of prospective parents is common, and that just adds to the pain and grief we are already dealing with after an infertility journey. So, while a childless couple may consider adoption, the possibility of rejection may be more than they can bear, and they may ultimately choose to not pursue adoption.
It assumes that if we choose not to adopt, that we didn't want children very badly. But adoption is not a black and white decision, or wanting or not wanting a child bad enough.
It assumes that adoption is wholly a noble act. It can be and I have personally seen some successful and loving international adoptions. However,there is a lot of corruption and criminality in many parts of the international adoption industry. If done incorrectly, we may aid organizations that coerce parents into giving up their children or facilitate child abuse.
It assumes that we need our infertility problem to be fixed by suggesting adoption. We don’t need it to be fixed, we just need people to listen.
It assumes that those who are unable to have children are there to“save” the orphaned children. We are often told “there are so many children that need parents”, meaning that we could be the ones that should fill that need. When someone says that there are so many children that need parents, we may say in return, “then why don’t you adopt them?”
It assumes that biological children and adoptive children are interchangeable. For some it is, especially when a couple are called to adopt (see #3 above). But for many couples, their calling was to have a biological child, to experience pregnancy, to deliver the child, and to have that full experience.
It doesn't consider the trauma and grief that we’ve already been through with infertility, pregnancy/infant loss, health issues, and other circumstances, and that we may not have the strength to attempt another approach that may result in rejection and crushing disappointment.
It ignores the challenges for many who would be a single parent. Just because a single celebrity can easily adopt, doesn’t mean that it’s easy for the average person to do so.
It doesn't consider some of the limiting factors that are against us in adoption, such as health or age. These factors may or may not limit someonein having a biological baby, but these factors could be the reason why we are rejected from being adoptive parents. Anyone can try to have a biological baby whether they are good parents or not, but not everyone can adopt even if they would be the most amazing parents.
It doesn't consider the cost of adoption or the amount of money that a couple may have already put into their infertility journey (i.e. fertility treatments) thus limiting their ability to afford adoption.
It assumes that it's your business to have this conversation with us. It’s not. It is a very private thing. If someone invites you and is open to that conversation, then it’s ok. You could also say “I’m sure that you explored every other option, are you ok with sharing your experience with me of how you ended up being childless not by choice?” This question respects our story and our truth, rather than offering a solution to our childless life. But remember, not all people are open to having this conversation, so be respectful.
In the spirit of World Childless Week, the aim of this submission is to raise awareness about why asking this question is so hurtful. If you recall that you have asked this question to someone, I hope that this list provides you some clarity on why you shouldn’t ask this question anymore. It’s really very simple, we don’t need your advice or your attempt to fix our childlessness. We only want you to listen, to acknowledge our reality, and to respect our story.
Thank you to all those in our community who helped to contribute to this list.
Robyn Jamieson-Voss