Talk to the Hand!
If I had a dollar for every time I was asked the question “Have you considered adoption?” after I turned 40, I’d probably living in a mansion with my husband and furbabies with a butler, yacht and our own private jet!
This image represents what I feel about this question, that is, wanting to shove my hand in the face of every person who’s felt it was acceptable to ask that question.
Of course, we know that this question is usually preceded by the all too familiar “Do you have kids?” when you meet someone new either in your personal or professional lives. These questions are posed to presumably get to know someone or find common ground to build rapport.
When the answer is “No, we weren’t able to have a child”, it seems that is acceptable to offer a range of insensitive and uneducated comments about fertility. This can often include cruel anecdotes about “I know someone who…..<insert unhelpful story> and ended up with a miracle baby” or “You are so lucky” or “You can have one of mine!”
But the proverbial “nail on the coffin” of this intrusive line of questioning my reproductive abilities is usually “Did you try adoption? There are so many unwanted children out there waiting to be part of a family. You must not have wanted a child that badly”. In my experience, the people who feel it’s acceptable to ask this question and make such judgemental statements are most often people who have ZERO idea about what is involved, let alone the struggles of being childless by circumstances or going through infertility treatments that are akin to a terrifying rollercoaster ride.
During the years I was struggling to fall pregnant or even carry a child to term, getting asked about adoption had me either getting instantly upset or extremely angry…..depending on what was happening in our infertility journey or what infertility drugs I was on (that often dictated my moods!). What made things harder for me was that some of these people who knew I was a stepmother and therefore my husband was never asked about adoption. This resulted in me feeling even more isolated and emotionally challenged during my infertility journey as I knew that if we didn’t end up with a child, I would be the one in our marriage who remained childless.
In November 2015, my husband and I made the difficult decision to end our infertility journey. As painful as it was, we knew the decision was the right one for our relationship, for our mental health and for my physical health. But the questions about adoption still continued. When I changed jobs in 2016 to a new organisation where no-one knew of my infertility experience, I thought I would be strong enough to deal with intrusive questions about infertility and adoption. In the first eighteen months, I had a number of people ask me about having kids and if I’d considered adoption. I’ll be honest and admit that it was not always easy for me to cope and there were times I gave a terse reply.
Over the past five years, my responses to this question have varied depending on the person asking and the environment I’m in (social or professional) such as:
None of your business!
Why do you need to ask that question?
What do YOU know about the process of adopting a child?
Unfortunately, adoption is not offered via eBay!
My personal favourite – put my hand up to stop the conversation and I walk away!
In August 2017, I finally accepted being #childlessnotbychoice thanks to discovering a blog Not So Mommy… written by a childless woman in America. Knowing that I was no longer alone in the world gave me the long-awaited courage to respond with some of the approaches listed above. Since the first World Childless Week, I have connected with quite a few childless Australians and our strength in numbers has given me the confidence to talk more openly (both socially and professionally) about not having a child as well as letting others know that it is not appropriate to ask about having kids or if I’d considered adoption.
As someone who already dealt with the bureaucracy of Australian immigration (in my twenties) that most Australians are blissfully unaware of, I know that there are a range of convoluted conditions for adoption. I believe that most people think that with all the children that get put up for adoption, it surely must be a guaranteed way to provide babies to all the people who are waiting to adopt them. To ensure their long-term safety and wellbeing, I know that the adoption system does its best to make sure that these children end up with couples who are “adequately prepared” to take on the responsibility of parenthood.
I thought it would be worth noting that here in Australia, the adoption rules differ across the states and territories. I wish more Aussies knew how hard it is to adopt so that it might stop them from asking me ever again about this topic. For example, in the state of Victoria, some of the current adoption conditions for eligibility include:
Couples who have been married or in a stable de facto relationship for at least two years are able to apply to adopt.
Currently single people are not eligible for local adoption in Victoria but can apply to become the permanent carer of a child.
Couples who have undertaken fertility treatment need to have completed it at least six months before starting the application process.
For people going through infertility treatments, it can often take a LOT longer than six months to even get to a point (physically and mentally) where you feel ready to put yourself through yet another process where you’re likely to end up with more heartache and feelings of failure all over again if you’re deemed unsuccessful to adopt a child. The fact is that singles or couples who have been willing to subject their minds, bodies and bank balances to the nightmare of infertility treatments should probably get some kind of prioritisation!!
As we continue to live in a world with #pronatalistprivilege, I will do my part in our global childless community. I will take any given opportunity to #ChangetheNarrative and “educate” those who ask about having kids and adoption by letting them know they are being hurtful and cruel.
I want more people to know that adding to the world’s population is not a measure of one’s worth - being childless does not limit our ability to be valuable citizens of this planet.
By Liz C