I just wanted a baby

No! I don’t want you to fix me

And I don’t need your sympathy

All I ask is that you listen to my story.

 

I dreamed of a husband, a house and a baby

I got a termination and a miscarriage so I thought, maybe

I could forget the husband and settle for a home and my child

I felt fine with all that … at least for a while.

 

You see, I was single then so I chose the adoption route

I really wanted a baby so that was the path I took,

I desperately wanted to fulfill that part of me

That yearns to love and be loved … I just wanted a baby.

 

 The adoption process was intense but thankfully they accepted me

And the idea of being a Mum was indescribable, I was beyond just happy.

The icing on the cake was that my then husband came into my life

He wanted children too, our own or adopted so it felt like everything was going right

 

But as each agonizing week and month went byI sadly did not fall pregnant

The doctors said I could but they couldn’t explain why I didn’t.

I felt sad because my husband suddenly said he didn’t want to adopt

We argued, I cried, I was broken inside and fell into a state of shock.

 

I was getting older and knew I had a less than slim chance of becoming a Mum

That crushed me even more and left me emotionally and physically numb.

Over the years I’ve had bad times and been on a rollercoaster of emotions

I’ve told myself “it’s ok, just enjoy your life” but really that’s no substitution. 

 

I tried to convince myself that I’m enough and there’s more to life than being a Mum

And I feel very blessed for who I am, for the great people in my life and for what I’ve done;

But NOTHING can fill the void for what I know would have completed me

Because all I ever wanted was to be a Mum … I just wanted a baby.

 

You see sometimes our very identity, our sense of who we are

Is wrapped up in our dreams and that can’t be pulled apart.

So if we don’t become the person we always wanted to be

We may struggle - as I did for some time – to accept that NOT being a Mum is my reality.

 

I know my family and my true friends will always love me this way

They’re not judging me, questioning me or out to make me feel ashamed,

But when other people hear I’m childless they seem awkward and unsure

Their expression often says it all - they’re thinking “What’s wrong with her”?

 

They will never understand the crippling feeling of loss buried deep inside of me

The grief of being ‘childless by circumstance’ is painful and it’s very real.

For some it may be helped – though not always healed – by adopting a child

But on reflection I realised that for me it was about giving birth to a baby that’s mine.

 

I love each and every one of the beautiful children in my own family

And I honestly share my friends’ joy when they have their babies;

But I just want people to understand, though I don’t want them to pity me

Just know that my childlessness goes on, it’s like a never-ending grief.

 

So if at times I seem sad I might just be thinking about why I didn’t have a baby

If you see me cry I don’t need fixing so don’t try & I don’t need your sympathy.

But please listen and be patient and as you hear my story, maybe just maybe

You’ll understand when I tell you … I just wanted a baby.

 

Haneefah Muhammad

Image by congerdesign from Pixabay