Have you considered adoption?

I think the worst part about this question is that it symbolises that kids up for adoption are a 'consolation prize' or that adoption is like a supermarket where you nip in and pick out what you want.

First of all, those kids are too precious to be anyone's 'consolation prize'. That isn't to say there is anything wrong with people who can't have biological children looking into adoption to fulfill their dreams of parenthood...it's the fact that people throw the comment away as if it's the easiest thing in the world and those kids are just sat there waiting happily to be 'picked'. You should only consider adoption if you're prepared for the intense, intrusive, stressful, emotional rollercoaster that comes along with the process.

Which brings me to my second point, it is not a 'quick fix, one size fits all' option. Most people struggling with fertility will have considered adoption all by themselves (believe it or not they will have probably gone through a hundred different scenarios and options to be able to realise that aching need inside them to be parents, including adoption, surrogacy, IVF etc). When you enter the world of the adoption process it is instantly overwhelming. The social workers job is to make sure you are fit to be a parent to the children that have had an often less than ideal start in life. This process is 100% necessary because to be anything less than thorough would risk putting those children into harm's way. However, it is also a stark realisation that to be a parent through this method means you are judged, openly and critically, about how good a parent you could be. There are no tests for having your own, biological children before you have those (and I am not afraid to say that in some cases, this should absolutely happen as it would prevent a lot of child abuse and probably would reduce the number of children put in care!).

So for those who turn to adoption to help fulfil parenthood dreams by giving a child a second chance at a good, loving life, they face far more judgement than any other parent, they also have to live with the fact that there will always be a difference in their child's upbringing than with biological children in that birth families are often involved in some way and the parents of the adopted child and often the adoptee themselves will once in a while find themselves on the receiving end of thoughtless comments or questions that again, you wouldn't usually have with biological families.

So to sum it all up, yes we more than likely have considered adoption and no, not everyone can handle that route or are given the opportunity for that option.

Please don't insult us by asking us if we have thought of any other way we can be parents... I know it's probably meant in a supportive way but it just comes across as either an empty suggestion or at worst, patronising.

Instead, if it is a topic that you are genuinely interested in discussing with that person, it would be a much more apt question to ask, 'what are your thoughts or feelings towards adoption?'

Leanne

Photo by Suzi Kim on Unsplash