As a woman of Christian faith and a woman who is infertile, like many others walking the long road of infertility, we walk the battlefield of stupid comments. You know them all, “have you thought of adoption” answer – what is adoption? Tell me more from your extensive knowledge. “you need to relax, go on a holiday, you are probably thinking too much about it” answer – you are right, my pcos (or endo or other condition) and my trauma can stay home and we will trip off to a lovely relaxing place and make babies, thanks so much! “It’s all in God’s plan” answer – I’m so thrilled you asked God what the plan was and that you were blessed with this revelation.

I mean of all the things to say.  I think people say things like that to make themselves feel better for the most part, or because they don’t know what to say, or maybe in an attempt to give purpose and meaning to shitty things that happen that seem to be against the nature and character of God that they know.  

Keeping faith and being infertile is bloody hard.  I have had many struggles related to my faith and childlessness through infertility, but one thing I do know is infertility is not God’s plan. It is just not! And another thing I know… just because a woman is not a mother does not mean that she has been created less than those who are able to have children, she is not broken nor does it invalidate her identity as a woman. Women are much more than mother… Yes, even in the bible, although we don’t hear about them often – the miracle stories are more palatable perhaps.

If God is good, and merciful and faithful, then God see’s where we are at and is with us through it all. If there is any hope in infertility as a person of Christian faith, it is that God doesn’t abandon us when we doubt or get angry – in fact we are welcomed into the place of safety and refuge to process those emotions and find peace. In my voyage of life, faith and infertility, I have discovered that it is God who I trust in, not the promise of a child or the “miracle”.

People of faith, and perhaps people in general, need to get better at dealing with the things that seem contrary to the nature of God or the ideal, we (yes I am putting myself in the category) need to be better at sitting with grief and loss and pain, walking through the unexplainable and not knowing the answers.   We need to reframe what we think is normal and acknowledge that motherhood is a season some women experience in their live.  And we need to stop saying stupid things and instead lend compassion rather than advice.

Practice with me “That is so hard, you are a really brave person”

Emma-Jane Day